You just can’t say it

Sometimes there are things that you just can’t say it. Your feelings that you can’t express or show to your loved ones; closest people to your heart. People who truly love you or care about you they expect you to speak your thoughts out and share with them but sometimes it’s just impossible. I often wonder why?

There is always a moment when you regret your decisions well at least I have lots of it but even at that time  you can’t go on saying to anybody that you regret your own decision because we are very well aware of it that if we do so people will only blame you technically it is correct but still who knew that it would come to this point.

It is quite hard for me say what’s really inside my head and it pisses me off to admit it. Whenever I’m sad or crying I always seek answers from my dad don’t know why? I hope for something positive. People say that I’m very honest, my eyes and even my expressions are honest. One can come to know whether I’m mad or happy. It’s actually quite bothering and huge disadvantage because I hate telling other people my personal stuff or sharing any of it. I hate it when the other person figures it out. I don’t like telling people my problems so when one does know it irritates me; it makes me angrier.

I got married recently on 4th February 2015. Everything went smooth and great. My wedding event was grand so overall  I was happy but then I had to leave mother,  my house come to this strange different place and adjust into it. His family, his friends, his house, his place OMG. First day at his place hell lot of people gathered and everybody’s eyes were at me honestly speaking I hate crowd; I hate when people stare at me. It was weird. All of a sudden it became too much for me to handle or digest in and at the end I exploded in short started crying.

After a while I got sick badly viral fever because of change in climate. Somehow I’m better now. Here everything is so different and I’m still scared.

I’m always clueless I just don’t know what to do. I mean yeah I wanted to get married to the one I love but now when think of it getting married was THE WORST DECISION EVER. It’s not about only this guy it’s about all the guys. I don’t wanna get married EVER. Now isn’t it too late?

I did whatever I could everything in my power to make him and his family happy but AM I HAPPY? WHY SHOULD I OR WHY DO I HAVE TO THINK  ABOUT OTHERS FIRST WHY CANNOT I JUST THINK ABOUT MYSELF FIRST AND BE SELFISH? WAS GETTING MARRIED REALLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO/RIGHT SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEMS? DID I MAKE A MISTAKE?

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Happy and sad

I thought a lot about my blog. It’s very plain and simple, not attractive at all. It should be appealing in order to get visitors and It’s my responsibility to post something interesting on a regular basis but I think it’s for me, my blog and it’s sole purpose is to serve me. I mean I created this blog just to write my feelings without considering the visitor factor. I would definitely feel great if someone visit and read but if no one is reading then also it’s fine.

I have finished watching IWATOBI SWIM CLUB SEASON 2. It is one of my most favorite and awesome Animes I have seen so far. I think season 2 is better than season 01. The animation was outstanding, marvelous now even I feel like learning. I don’t know what but when I saw the water in the Anime and their swimming I experienced a very strange sensation going through my spine from head to toe. I definitely felt calm and relaxed but don’t know why it happened. Overall I was happy though I cried. I tried to hold it in but at the end tears rolled down my cheek😢.

Dreams are everything to most of us. It’s my opinion. We set a goal or aim in our lives that we must achieve. In order to achieve that goal we must accomplish thousands of tasks and climb up hundreds of stairs but all this hard work, effort is ultimately to fulfill that one DREAM. The feeling when you fulfill your dreams, that happiness, that satisfaction is something that cannot be measured or bought by anything. I don’t have a true friend that’s why I have always wished for just one true friend but I can live without that it’s not my dream I do feel bad I often think that why don’t I have any good friend? Why am I in this situation? Why is it me? Am I that bad? When will I have what I truly want? I cannot get to the conclusion. The only thing that’s keeping me sane and alive is my hope and of course my Anime.

My love for Anime is something that connects me to a virtual world; it’s something that’s missing in reality. I know this is all stupid or maybe it’s the same for other Anime lovers as well but  when I watch Animes I become more confident and strong towards my DREAM.

We are surrounded by tons of responsibility and expectation of our parents or relatives. Sometimes in the process of fulfilling our duties we often get distracted from our path. There’s is so much competition now a days. If you want to succeed you have to work hard and put all of your strength, effort into it. I’m afraid of being left behind. People say you have to do certain amount of hard work, practice only then you will become a professional but I don’t feel like doing all those things now. I also know that this world won’t work on my whims but what’s the point of doing something when you are in no mood to do it.

Sigh …I have talked a lot today. It’s enough now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015

First let’s start with the very obvious thing “HAPPY NEW YEAR” ok now I’m getting bored by saying this to everyone god knows how many times I have repeated the same sentence. May this year bring lots of love, peace, happiness, success to me and to the whole world. Hehe… 😁

Well honestly I have been really depressed and lonely past couple of months. Everyone is busy in their own lives so technically there’s no one with whom I can share my problems. I’m the MOST jobless person on this entire planet right now. I mean I don’t feel like doing anything other than watching Anime that’s why I’m so frustrated, cranky and angry at everything; with everyone.

I’m a very private person maybe that’s why it’s so damn hard for me to open up completely but it’s not like it’s my fault. What do you expect from a person whose been held in a room or a house for years? I don’t have friends. I have never gone out and spent some quality times with people. I want to breathe in fresh air. I don’t wanna feel like a prisoner; I want my freedom. Who am I kidding? It’s definitely impossible while I’m here. No matter what I say mother will always have some excuse for not taking me anywhere.

Yesterday fortunately I spent my last day of 2014 watching the best thing. Guess what… I watched FREE IWATOBI SWIM CLUB SEASON 2 KYAAAA…. Ya that’s right I was screaming and drooling over them. I was so happy and excited that I got to see those masculine, hot boys once again. You won’t believe at one point it really became difficult for me breathe. I just totally lost all my senses. My poor little heart couldn’t take that much hotness OMG even while writing about it I’m going crazy imagining everything.😅

So yeah that the only good thing happened and today as well I’m going to continue the ceremony of going crazy over my IWATOBI SWIM CLUB😍😤. I won’t let anything or anybody ruin my mood/day from now onwards. I have decided to find my happiness in my own unique way. I won’t let anything affect me. Whenever I allow people to cross the line I always end up getting hurt it’s not their fault but I hate my tears and when I cry I also start hating the people who are responsible for it. So I’ll just have to deal with my problems on my own and everything will be fine.

Confused and clueless

People change easily. Their surroundings even their relationships. When you are in need; when you are  alone or in pain do you find anyone supporting your back wiping your tears? A warm hand comforting you and saying in a gentle soft voice “DON’T WORRY EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE. JUST HANG IN THERE BE BRAVE.”

Change is the essential part of life and Pain is the cruelest form of life. I fear change the most. It is inevitable. Sometimes it’s for good and sometimes it’s bad. It depends. I don’t want things to change. It is so weird how things change so fast.

We as humans are never satisfied with what we have at present. We always desire more. My mother always says that “YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY IN WHATEVER YOU HAVE AND SHOULD NOT BE GREEDY” but I don’t agree with her I think it’s good to desire more after all who knows when will we get this opportunity or this human life again so we should live to it’s fullest. But am I living to it’s fullest? Am I happy? Maybe not. Our choices define us. Our mistakes makes us who we are today. You should make mistakes because only then you will realize that it was a mistake and you learn from them.

People often contradict themselves. For me it’s impossible to understand a person completely. Sometimes I find myself wondering how my life would have been if father was alive? At times I’m very short tempered and loud for no reason. Don’t know when will I get to do what I really want to do. I know none of this make sense nothing is in sync. I’m going on and on randomly but I just….

Anyway later.

Everything seems boring

It’s been long so HI people. Frankly I don’t know what should I write. My birthday was on 5th December. I enjoyed it. I was happy, went to temple and had my favorite food items; mom cooked it. At the end of the day she was exhausted. My mom and I have a very unique equation with each other. We fight a lot and then unconsciously we make up; like nothing happened it’s all cool. My mother is very sweet and innocent.

Honestly I’m sorta blank just can’t find the right words to put. These past few days lots of stuff happened but I don’t feel writing about it maybe not good enough. I haven’t been watching Animes since i got sick. I have read a loooooooooot of Yaois. Days are going boring but okay. For marriage only two months are left. It’s very cold over here almost freezing. These days I feel like I’m in no mood to do anything. I have been regular to google+ all Anime related talk. I saw pictures of Tokyo metero, cosplay dresses, crowded Tokyo city and Sakura tree; it was so beautiful and painful at the same time. I wish I could go there in just one jump. I want to live in my fairy tale world (Anime world). I guess I’m not a social person even though I want to and try to be active whether on social networking sites or meeting people in person I find it bothersome. I don’t have friends not a single one but I believe that whatever happens it happens for good.

That’s it now I’m getting bored back to my Yaoi.

Feeling weak 😞

It’s been quite a few days since I have visited my blog. I have been busy taking medicines and playing ASPHALT 8 AIRBORNE this is very addictive. It’s beyond amazing. Great graphical details and kick ass soundtracks. Now regarding my medicine taking term I had a blood test 2 weeks back and found that I lack of Vitamin D; It’s lower than 20%. I’m stilling freaked out about it don’t know what to do. I have been very depressed since then. I have been told to avoid long siting or using computer until I get better because it can be lethal. I have been taking daily medicines and injections properly like a good girl. I wanna recover soon everyone loves themselves so do I. I’m getting married next year February so I need to be prepared for all the responsibilities mentally and physically otherwise I don’t want to go there because in condition I can’t.  If I’m not physically fit then I’ll be bothering other people and definitely I don’t want that. I know I won’t be happy like this.

I didn’t ask for this I didn’t know that this will happen. What do you expect from a person who’s locked up in a cage like environment 365 days. I don’t go out no sun exposure. I don’t have any friends how pathetic it could get? I’m sick of all this I want my freedom. Who should be blamed? I guess the answer is “ME”.

I mean whatever happens in our life we are the only ones responsible for it. While I was in Bangalore I didn’t care for my health I ignored the signs. I worked in college and at home, I skipped my meals, I exhausted myself to the extent of fainting still didn’t reconsidered my mother’s warning. She always used to shout on phone calls regarding my health. She told me millions of times to eat regularly, to eat properly but I just ignored everything. Things aren’t invincible. They are bound to break someday. My body became weaker day by day and now my bones don’t absorb calcium or vitamins or anything. Doctor said that it doesn’t matter how much you eat if your body isn’t absorbing it; it’s all waste. My mom is doing everything in her power to make me better. I take my pills and food properly. I hope I recover faster than I expect. My back hurts, it pains while sleeping and sitting. I hate this I just wanna get well ASAP.

Please god please listen to me do your magic and cure me. I beg you.

Sweet dreams

Chiis minaa✌️well that’s Japanese and it means hi everyone in English. I have been learning Japanese language by watching anime so I understand small small words and then i join those words to make a complete sentence to understand. I guess as I have mentioned before that I love watching Anime and I’m a huge fan of Anime world. Japanese culture, their traditions are quite fascinating to me I try to learn their language and imitate their accent when I’m all alone. Sometimes I actually prefer speaking Japanese words when I’m angry or happy or excited. I speak to myself in my head I say those words. I known it sounds insane and strange but what to do that’s who I am😊. In Japan they have a very wide Animation industry/market. Animation industry is so developed every where nowadays especially in Japan. I’m not saying that it isn’t in India; it is still developing so let’s hope for the best.

Anime industry is so popular all over the world. They do such amazing works. I have watched plenty of Anime that have inspired me. They create brilliant stories and awesome lovable characters. They have made a very strong impact on me and my personality. I still remember watching CARDCAPTOR SAKURA. I was mesmerized by it. It was my first Anime. I still remember it’s starting and ending song in Hindi because here it used to come in Hindi. At that moment I decided to be in this field, to make my career out of it, to be an artist so like me I can also inspire somebody else. In the beginning I didn’t known “A” of Animation I got to know about it later on when I started college. Since childhood I have been watching Disney’s princess movies, cartoons and Anime so I have been kinda living in my fairy tale land though it wasn’t my fault I was a kid but now I don’t I know life’s cruel truth.

I guess I always knew what I wanted. I’m not into 3D Animation I like 2D Animation; Anime style😉. I do proper research on voice actors and casts before downloading any Anime. I have lots of favorite voice actors Mamaro Miyano is top on my list; He was the first one as well in the process of knowing about it. He is super good looking and HOT.

I have heaps of reasons why I want to work in this Animation field, why I choose this as my dream, what encouraged or inspired me that’s why I don’t wanna tell all of them for now I think this is enough. I will tell about my dreams more later but I’m sure that I will achieve my dreams one day sooner or later so no worries. I will keep working hard towards my goal.

MEANT FOR EACH OTHER ❤️❤️

Love and hate are two sides of one coin. Who knows what will come when you flip it. I have seen love turning into hatred and hatred turning into true love. One who accepts you regardless of your imperfections is your one and only true love. It’s not so easy to find your your perfect match your life partner who understands you inside out, who makes you complete who keeps you happy and positive like “MEANT FOR EACH OTHER”. Don’t worry I’m not giving you love tips or anything it’s just that sometimes I realize that how incredibly lucky I am to find my perfect match; that I’m so happy. This feeling is ineffable.

The feeling of being in love. The feeling of yearning to see someone. The feeling of being satisfied; at the same time it’s complicated and painful. But everything has it’s own advantage and disadvantage. It depends on you what you choose. You just have to see what’s more in your bag GOOD OR BAD? So if it is more harmful then you just have to kick it out of your life but if it’s less harmful then you have to figure out a way to deal with it. I was lucky enough to find mine.

Thank you father for giving me such a wonderful life and this is the result of your blessings only that I’m happy. I’m not trying to jinx it; I hope I don’t but I know that you are always watching us from far away. I also know that you are always with me. You have done so much for all of us and maybe you are still doing it by giving your blessings. We love you.

I’m loving it

I’m enjoying playing games. These past few days I have been playing games pretty interesting so I’m loving it. I really like playing racing games. I’m not the type who would play long complicated or strategy games because they get very technical so I feel damn confused and bored I end up quitting it. In racing games I’m above average and in normal story/strategy games I just know the basics not familiar with those deep technical things. I used to play a lot of games with my brother. We were quite a good team😄. My brother is a gamer. OMG 24*7 just playing games. Nowadays they creat such amazing games with brilliant graphical details, good plot and cool looking characters it’s very fantastic; mesmerizing actually. So yeah that’s about it. Can’t think of anything else to say so bye people take care.